Long ago, I was a giver: love, friendship, effort, sincerity, kindness and strength. I gave my all in everything until I felt resourceless. I might have my way with words but my voice is often just an empty shell. Silence has always been part of my life like a shadow to my soul. All I knew was the taste of blood on my fingertips. It took time for me to accept the deafness of my heart. My heartbeats were going as fast as a race car but it never resonates within my life. My feet have taken me head-on into the most precarious situations. There was always a wound left behind from all where I've ever been. Did I grow from them, or did I skank down even further?
Sometimes ago while observing some of my acquaintances I learned the art of imitating. It was fascinating seeing them smiling happily, living day by day, overcoming their problems. I learned how to fake it and bluff my way through the present. Everything is so overwhelming in the truth surrounding my reality that I sometimes forget that I'm alive. Surviving...Which color is the sky? All I feel are its tears streaming down on my face, hugging my loneliness. Which way does the wind blow to? All I see are more problems crashing down on my shoulders through its whisper. How does it feel to stand on the ground? All that I know is the heavy feeling in my sole which stops me in place.
I have always faced a ridiculous amount of rejection throughout my life, whether at school or in a relationship. There were people who took my liveliness and left me with the fear of being me. People who gave me hell for voicing my opinions, leaving me with the fear to speak. People who took my love for granted, leaving me with the fear to love. People who raised their heads held up high after I lent them my shoulders to stand on, leaving me with the fear of appreciating others.
I have always held my words deeply but people have twisted them and made them really ugly. They have either minimized their meaning or laughed at their simplicity. Those people were the sun to my summer self; Hot and insufferable. But my eyes always felt like winter; Cold and chilling. I saw everything through a haze all of my twenties. I'm welcoming life like a tree after shredding all its leaves in fall. Reborn... In the background there is the echo of a cry of helplessness.
Let the sun melt my frozen self.
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